Sometimes we just want to get away – away from places, people, worries. We want to flee, to escape, because things have become unbearable. Our faith tells us it is okay to want this; it’s how monasticism started. The ancient monks were fed up with what they saw and experienced, and fled into the desert, far away from everybody and everything. They trusted what the Psalms say:
Free me from the net they have set for me, for you are my refuge. Psalm 31:5
God is our refuge. There is a place where we can go. Certainly, they experienced that they could not escape from themselves. Their ego, their weaknesses, the paradoxes of their lives would follow them wherever they went, almost mercilessly. There is no way to get away from ourselves. Here, again, we receive consolation through our faith:
Where can I go from your spirit? From your presence, where can I flee? If I ascend to the heavens, you are there; if I lie down in Sheol, there you are. If I take the wings of dawn and dwell beyond the sea, even there your hand guides me, your right hand holds me fast. If I say, “Surely darkness shall hide me, and night shall be my light”, darkness is not dark for you, and night shines as the day. Psalm 139:7-12
Who is there, when I am away, when I am even disconnected from myself? Who is there beyond myself, beyond my limits? It is God. In Him I can become myself again and be at peace. I think of Jonah who tried to escape from his call. God mercifully sent the whale and brought him back where he belonged. There are so many ways nowadays to escape; some ways are better than others. To escape into drugs, for example, can be disastrous. God doesn’t want us to be harmed on our flight. It is okay to be away. However, when we don’t want to see anymore, we still should not flee blindly. The light is finally awaiting us.
My Lord and my God, you know that sometimes I would like to flee, to be beamed onto the moon. But these are just moments. It is okay to feel this way. You are my hiding place. You are my refuge. Your loving eyes follow me, your fatherly hand holds me, your motherly heart walks with my wandering heart until it finds rest in you.