Tag: trust

God Is Always Greater

Since I had the gift of spending some time in Egypt with my brother monks in a Coptic Benedictine monastery, I was able to experience our prayer in a different environment. I stood and prayed in front of an iconostasis.

Normally, in our Latin-Western tradition, everything is open. You can see the altar. You can see the sanctuary. But this is not the case in the Eastern churches. The iconostasis blocks the view of the altar. There is a door or a curtain that can be opened for the Holy Eucharist. Otherwise, you are left standing in front of a wooden wall. This wall is called an iconostasis because it holds many icons.

The first time I prayed this way, I felt a strong impression: God is great. He is always greater than I can ever imagine. You are practically standing before the Unknown. Of course, the icons help you understand and enter into the mystery. Mary, the Mother of God, is there with the child. John the Baptist is present, along with the apostles and other saints. But you realize immediately: these are only “images.” I am aware that, in the Orthodox tradition, an icon is more than just an image. It is a representation of the Holy. But for me, it was liberating to feel that all that I can see, all that I can know, all that I can dream, all that I can fear, all that I can understand, all that I can long for, never fully coincides with who God really is. His greatness is beyond all of it – as the altar here is beyond the curtain.

Getting in touch with His mystery was liberating, freeing. And – unexpectedly – it left me with more hope, more courage, more desire to seek God in my daily life. And isn’t that the truth? We don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Acknowledging that is the best way to live the present.


My God, you are great and wonderful. The saints show us the way. Your only Son Jesus Christ IS the way to you. Help me to let go of all my ideas. Help me to throw myself into the unknown, to throw myself into your wide-open arms. Forgive me this imagination.

Listening to the Soft Voice

Our brain is made to think. That’s why we have thoughts in our heads most of the time, sometimes non-stop, sometimes a little quieter. The monks, when they withdraw from the noisy outside world, learn to study the thoughts and voices in their minds. There are all kinds of thoughts. Good ones and bad ones. Those that come from God and bring peace, healing and joy, and those that do not come from God and bring confusion, negativity and ultimately destruction. Which voices are stronger? How do they sound? The prophet Elijah found out when he withdrew and took shelter in a cave:

“There was a strong and violent wind rending the mountains and crushing rocks before the Lord—but the Lord was not in the wind; after the wind, an earthquake—but the Lord was not in the earthquake; after the earthquake, fire—but the Lord was not in the fire; after the fire, a light silent sound.” (1 Kings 19:11-12)

The loudest thoughts in our heads are not necessarily the healthiest. Okay, when I’m hanging off a cliff and my head is screaming: Hold on so you don’t fall – a healthy voice. But often loud voices blame others, accuse others or ourselves, criticize, put down, make a wish that can’t be fulfilled at that moment – they are not helpful. It is good to let them die down or, if possible, to stop them. Strangely enough, it is precisely in such situations that God “sneaks in” with a quiet voice – as here with Elijah. It makes sense to get to know this soft voice.

Why does God speak with a quiet voice? He can also speak loudly, that is easy for him. But often he doesn’t – why? Perhaps he respects my freedom and doesn’t want to force me. He trusts that I can find the right thing. He is gentle. And merciful. Another reason could be that he wants us to really listen. Only when we hear the sound voice we become able to really listen what is said to us. Elijah, hearing the light silent sound, went out, stood at the entrance of the cave and listen to what God had to say him.

Lord, make your voice audible to me. Let your voice be so characteristic that I can distinguish it from other voices. Don’t let me be too impressed when I am bombarded by many and loud voices. Your voice is so healing. I long for it.

Hot-Cold, Bumpy-Smooth, Risky-Safe

We freeze vanilla ice cream. We heat raspberries. And then we put the ice-cold cream and the hot fruit together and eat them! We do strange things. There used to be a bumpy gravel road behind our monastery school. We spent a lot of money to asphalt it. But because people were driving too fast on the beautiful road, we put speed bumps on it. Now the cars drive in a slalom. Life is interesting. People take off their clothes. And then they apply sunscreen to protect their skin. That’s understandable: we want to get a tan, we want to avoid the dust on the road, and we love to enjoy ice cream and hot raspberries. But if you look at it closely, it’s all a bit strange.

Sometimes our heart, our soul is the same. Things don’t go well together. Things do not harmonize at first glance. Things in our inner life are contradictory. I want one thing and do another, says St. Paul (cf. Rom 7:19). We try to tidy up our soul, but it seems to be even messier. I don’t understand myself. But when I look at life in general: life is hot-cold, bumpy-smooth, risky-safe. Why should my inner life be any different? But what really gives me comfort is the belief that God sees me as I am. That he knows me. That he puts together what doesn’t seem to fit together. That he loves me, even in my ambiguity. When I know this, I don’t have to run away from myself and can face who I am and how I am. As it says in Psalm 139:

Lord, you have searched me, you know me:
Where can I go from your spirit?
    From your presence, where can I flee?
If I ascend to the heavens, you are there;
    if I lie down in Sheol, there you are.
If I take the wings of dawn
    and dwell beyond the sea,
Even there your hand guides me,
    your right hand holds me fast.
If I say, “Surely darkness shall hide me,
    and night shall be my light”
Darkness is not dark for you,
    and night shines as the day.
    Darkness and light are but one.
You formed my inmost being;
    you knit me in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, because I am wonderfully made;
    wonderful are your works!
    My very self you know.

God sees everything. He holds me firmly. He guides me along the way, even when I take detours; in his eyes everything will be fine. I thank him with awe: 

How precious to me are your designs, O God;
    how vast the sum of them!

Auguste Rodin: Hand of God


Immediately

The life of St. Benedict, as described by Pope Gregory the Great, is a story with many miracles and many interventions by God himself in the lives of monks and people. There is a special feature in this story: whenever Benedict prays for help in a difficult situation, God acts fast and immediately. In Latin it is called “subito” or “protinus”, “celeriter” or “festinatio”.

This characteristic touched me and I began to consider whether God, when he acts in my life, always acts immediately, without delay. And I found: Yes! Of course, there are things I pray for that don’t happen; it seems that God doesn’t want to fulfill them. My faith and my hope is: he does so for my good. But there is not the slightest movement in my soul, not the slightest sigh that I raise to him, not the slightest need that I share with him that he would not answer.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”  Matthew 7:7

“What father among you would hand his son a snake when he asks for a fish?” Luke 11:11

In general, we believe that God hears our prayers, even if he does not always follow our will – just as he did not when Jesus asked him to let the cup pass. This may be the reason why we often don’t expect a positive answer from him, at least not immediately. But here too, every hair on our head is counted. The father is not at all indifferent to what his son or daughter does and how they are doing. Perhaps a key to this question can be found in the fourth petition of the Lord’s Prayer: “Give us this day our daily bread.” Jesus recommends that we pray in this way: He knows that we constantly need bread, but he gives it to us “today”. He asks us not to look back or too far ahead in our prayers. “Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.” (Matthew 6:34). He gives us exactly what we need and what we pray for – now! He can do it, because he is beyond space and time and can intervene at any time. If he does it “today”, why shouldn’t he do it tomorrow? It is a good exercise to really watch how and when God answers our prayers. Sometimes we overlook the traces of his answers. They may be subtle, but they are effective. According to Gregory, it is a characteristic of God’s nature that he acts immediately.

Lord, strengthen my trust in you. Never let me doubt your fatherly mercy. Thank you for giving me what I need today. Come quickly and hasten to the aid of all those who have no voice to cry out to you.

I Put My Trust In You

In God we trust, I trust in God… how quickly are we ready to say that? Do we really mean it? To be honest, sometimes trust comes naturally to me, but other times, however, I have difficulty trusting. There are often good reasons not to trust–bad experiences, hurts of the past, knowledge of things and people, realism.

Better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in mortals. (Psalm 118:18)

Sometimes I find myself weak in trusting God. It is not because of God, it is because I trust rather myself, even more–my own intelligence, my experience, the things that give me security. Only when those things are taken away from me, do I realize what trusting God really means. One day, I came across this Psalm verse:

I put my trust in you. (Psalm 55:24)

The slight difference here is that I put my trust in God, which means, I do something. Trusting becomes an activity. I like that. I can do something for it. I am not condemned either to trust and to believe or to not have that trust at all. It is my decision whether I trust or not.

Well, how can I do it? Putting something somewhere means to give it out of my hands and leaving control to somebody else. I give my trust away, to Him. My trust now lies on Him, with Him. This little move makes trusting more concrete and lively for me. When I am distrustful, I try to take all my confidence and place it into God’s hands. We don’t know if God will do exactly what we want him to do, but He will never disappoint our trust. He will never misuse our trust. He will never fool us.

Lord, let me put my trust in you. You are great. You are merciful. You love me. I know you invite me to trust you, in little daily things as well as in the big things of my life. Strengthen my trust in you.

Foolish Fears

During the summer months, we Benedictines here at Sant’Anselmo in Rome sometimes change the language of our prayers. We pray in English instead of Latin or Italian as we usually do because we have many international guests. The change of language always brings new discoveries and findings as I pray. Recently at our morning office when we chanted the hymn “As daylight fills the morning sky”, one sentence struck me. It goes:

May angry words and foolish fears
Be exorcised by heartfelt tears.

My attention was raised by the “foolish fears”. I was thinking: Yes, fears, for a Christian, are always foolish. Why should we be afraid? Of whom should we be afraid? “What will separate us from the love of Christ? Will anguish, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword?” says St. Paul (Rom 8:35). And he continues: “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Rom 8:38-39).

If we look at Christ soberly, calmly, trustingly, there is no reason for us to be afraid. God is with us, he is in us; he has died for us and freed us from the slavery of sin and death. How could he give us more? How could he have proven more that he loves us? So, I tell my fears: “Yes, you fears that creep up once in a while upon me: Know that you are foolish. I don’t need you.” Of course, when we look with concerns on what is going on in the world: we might have some fears. I am not saying that there are no justified fears. Sometimes they function to warn us or to bring us the right energy level, for example, stage fright. Still, in the end, fears are foolish if we deeply trust in God. In his presence, our fears vanish. “If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Rom 8:31)

Lord, I place myself right in the middle of your presence. Let me be bold in trusting you. Fear is not a Christian’s business. Instead courage, freedom in word and deed, and trust are fruits of your spirit. Any other spirits are foolish. Let me always live in this spirit. Let me set my foot on the water, as you have called me to do.

Don't be afraid

In Times of Confusion

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Saint Benedict wants to provide an environment of peace in which the monks can live without disturbance and confusion. He warns the abbot of the monastery not to be excitable, anxious, or extreme, “because such a man is never at rest.” (Rule of St. Benedict 64:16) “The abbot is not to disturb the flock entrusted to him nor make any unjust arrangements, as though he had the power to do whatever he wished.” (63:2) He warns also the bursar: “As cellarer of the monastery, there should be chosen from the community someone who is wise, mature in conduct, temperate, not an excessive eater, not proud, not excitable, offensive, dilatory or wasteful, but God-fearing, and like a father to the whole community, (…) so that no one may be disquieted or distressed in the house of God.” (31:1-2.19) Not only superiors can disturb the community of a monastery, but also guests who come and “make excessive demands that upset the monastery.” (61:2) Even the heat of the summer, according to St. Benedict, can confuse the monks (cf 41:2).

How can we return to peace? Often the disturber comes from outside. But even more often he comes from the inside, from our own heart. If something unclean comes from outside, it has no chance to affect me if I keep calm with Christ. As soon as I get drawn into the whirl, being in favor, being against, planning strategies… I have already been affected, and have become part of the confusion. Certainly, I cannot do nothing. The disturbance I perceive is a fact I have to deal with and must respond to.

Sometimes it just takes time to calm down. For this I have to go into an environment that is tranquil. At other times I have to jerkily remove myself from the situation. Things look different from a place of peace, tranquility, and stillness. Things are put into a different perspective and order. Unimportant things don’t bother me anymore, important things stand out. The fear is gone. I feel connected with God. For us monks those places of recollection are our daily prayers, the liturgy of the hours. Each of them is an invitation to refocus. The Holy Eucharist directs our eyes to the cross of the Lord as the sign of death and resurrection and connects us most deeply with Christ and our brothers and sisters. God is ready and waits for us to bring back peace. We, however, are the abbot and the bursar of our own heart.

Lord, together with my confreres I sang at my profession “et ne confundas me ab expectatione mea – Don’t confuse me in my expectation.” So often I find myself confused. Only with you there is rest. Remind me that I can trust you without hesitation. You never confuse me but instead lead me to peace. Continue your work in me, Lord, continue!

Loosen Our Knees

They called it CPM machine, for me it was rather a torture tool. Though years ago, I still vividly remember how I lying in the hospital bed after a knee surgery, was suffering under this machine that tried to automatically conquer inch by inch in order to make my knee bend again. Finally I had to smile when in my prayers I ran across the hymn in Philippians:

At the name of Jesus every knee will bend.

So, eventually mine, too! To be able to bend our knees is a grace. I believe that God unlike this machine does not want to forcefully bend our knees, “bring us to our knees”. He has no need for that. We go to our knees as we realize how mighty He is and – in comparison with him – how small we are. We even more come to our knees as we understand that this mighty God became human, and small, and humble.

Because Christ humbled himself, God greatly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee will bend. (Phil 2:9-10)

Have you ever become aware of how you stand? We can stand in two ways: either with fully stretched knees or with a little leeway in our knees. To stand with fully stretched knees is not only unhealthy for the ligaments as I learnt from my doctors, but also an expression of “I hold on to myself”, “I only trust myself”. Sometimes we do it in a defiant way, asserting ourselves. We have more stability though, if we stand giving in – just a little bit – in our knees. We are more flexible and at the same time more stable. This is not a sign of going weak at our knees. It is a question of trust: whom do I trust? Only myself? Or the one who is greater and holds me carefully and lovingly in his hand. We don’t have to be on our knees all the time, it is enough to give in in our knees, just a little bit.

Lord, I trust that you hold me, wherever I go or stand. You are the ground that carries me, you are the heaven opening over me. You are the space that surrounds me. You want me as a free person, standing on my own feet. For this I am deeply grateful. I thank you for Jesus who has shown us this our dignity. I humbly bow and bend my knees before you as I realize this greatness you have planted in me, through Jesus Christ.

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The monk Jerome in the wilderness, by a follower of Pietro Perugino (1490). The lion of self-assertion sits peacefully aside the saint.

 

Seeking His Face

Towards what or whom do I direct my eyes? On whom do I look? Our eyes are busy all day long both when we work and when we relax. It occurred to me as I was praying Psalm 27 that I long to fix my eyes on the Lord:

“Come,” says my heart, “seek his face”. Your face, Lord, do I seek! (Psalm 27:8)

I was meditating how I could trust God more, and I realized: by looking more at Jesus. If I trust somebody I look into his or her eyes. Looking at each other fosters trust. Could I spend more time looking at Jesus’ life and face instead of spending so much time browsing the Internet? Could I watch more His healing and loving attitude than to be scared by things that happen around me and in today’s world? The eyes have a tendency to control, more than the ears for example. I can close my eyes but not my ears. Letting go control and letting my eyes sink into His eyes would strengthen my trust in Him.

There are many ways to look at Christ. I can place my eyes on the crucifix or an icon in my room. I can have an image of Jesus ready on my phone. Reading the Bible helps me to know Him better. I can spend time in Adoration gazing at the Blessed Sacrament. I look at Christ and Christ looks me. Every day innumerable people around the globe follow this practice. What a gift to the world and to themselves.

Lord, I want to seek your face. If I can’t see your face, let me at least try to seek you, in any way. Your eyes are seeking mine. This I know. You watch over me. You look at me because you love me. You offer me constantly to trust you more. Thank you, Jesus.

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Jesus and the Samaritan woman seeking each other’s gaze (Piero di Cristoforo Vannucci, 1445)

 

 

Tremble before the Lord

It was during Sunday Vespers. I must have been in a fearful mood. I can’t remember why. But as sometimes, I was not even aware of my emotions. Suddenly a verse of Psalm 114 caught my eyes:

“Tremble, o earth, before the Lord.” Psalm 114:7

I immediately felt consoled. The fear was gone. How could this happen? As I was reflecting later, it came to me: Trembling before God seems to be much better than trembling before human beings, or situations, or anything else on earth. HE is the one and only before whom everyone trembles. Before whom everyone must tremble.

This knowledge did not increase my fear, but erased it. Fear of God is just natural because we know God is mightier than we are. However, what is better? Fearing God or fearing human beings? Being afraid of human beings, including ourselves, may be more justified because our goodness is limited and we can act evil. Not so can God. So, fearing God is the better choice. He is the loving and merciful God as Jesus has shown us. In other words, I felt consoled because I realized: Fear has a place. It has its place “before Him”, in the presence of God. It is taken care of in the presence of the loving and merciful God. I must not be afraid, because any fear is in good hands with Him. He is stronger and He is better.

Prayer against fear

Dear Lord, take all fear from me. Let me grow in the fear of you, who is my loving maker and caretaker. Prevent me from thinking and acting out of fear. Let the earth tremble and be shaken so that it may become a better and more peaceful place. I am not afraid of trembling before you.